Six Nights in Paradise Palms

What do you do when your loving partner says.....

Hey, my Queen, I just booked us six nights at Paradise Palms Plantation.

.............In Hawaii.

Wow, Great. Sounds fantastic. Tropical, lush and finally mask free. When?

End of May.

May 2022?

You mean I need to be Hawaii ready in 6 weeks?

Mother of God!!!

Well, the poor guy hasn’t taken a vacay in absolutely forever, so what is a Queen to do?

Get a plan of action.

GET THEE TO THE GYM

Time to set that alarm for earlier in the AM. I need get to the gym ASAP.

Not only do I need to access my three-year, pre-paid gym membership again but this is going to require something more than a Zumba class.

Here’s the thing. If you know anything about me, you would know that I would never do a Zumba class.

Not only because I think everyone looks stupid but simply because I am not coordinated enough and I will look stupid. I hate being the new person in those classes. While all the other participants are operating like a beautiful choreographed water ballet troupe, I am THAT one lone, out of step mama.

They are left.

I am right and exactly two beats off. Always.

So, there will be no Zumba class.

No Yoga classes either.

I don’t want anyone’s sweaty butt crack in my face. Plus, it will take longer than the allotted time I have to see results. Yoga is not a quick fix, it is a commitment, a lifestyle.

I have no time for that kind of commitment.

I only have time for a quick, short but effective “affair” or “entanglement” as some call it.

Instead of class work, I need heavy panting, dripping sweat, super beet-red faced, rapid stair climbing and lots of strength training. Three hours a day would be ideal and since that is not going to happen, maybe 1 hour.

You see my current one week in the gym and three weeks off plan has not been working.

I am certain it has actually added visceral fat.

Perhaps it is my continuous need to procrastinate the pain (they say gain) and total unwillingness to do the work that derailed me, but I don’t really think so. It absolutely has nothing to do with mountains of chocolate either. I think it was Covid-19, not the Omnicron or the BA.2 variant, but the older mean one.

Interesting Fact

Did you know that the older you get the more work outs are essential for long-term health?

Unfortunately, you need to work out twice as long, twice as hard and eat half as much, to be all that you can be, which is still half of what you once were.

Yes, it is unfair. Deal with it.

BTW, my re-upping the gym is not due solely to vanity because I can find a burka style bathing suit on amazon. It is because endurance and cardio type stamina is essential for those long walks in the airport with all our travel gear and the long walks to and on the beaches. Also for those picturesque hikes up to waterfalls so we can take our “diving off the cliff” photo to put on Instagram.

No wait…our “zip-lining” photo, and our “white person style tribal dancing near the tiki torches” photo.

It does not matter whatever additional activities we decide to challenge ourselves with, at the minimum, I still need to get up the stairs to our bungalow. No big fancy hotel for us, with a nice bar downstairs, to sip nighttime rum drinks that make you forget your name and an elevator ride home. Not for us.

We are going to a private B&B on a horse plantation. Actually, a plantation with horses on it.

We get to make our own morning coffee and climb stairs, numerous times, in the heat and high humidity.

Do you see where the endurance cardio becomes beneficial?

FIND BEACHWEAR

Besides making the gym my new high priority, I also need to troll the online stores for rash guard “full coverage SPF 50 ++” clothing for all beach activities. Probably any activity.

Yes, I know.

You all thought I was going to dig out my bikini, but you are wrong.

Just because I have one stashed away, well two, and I will be in a place where no one will hopefully know me, it is still a hard NO. No one needs to see that right now. Maybe next year or if I have a lapse in judgement. What I now need is a very small but efficient, protection from the sun wardrobe, to take with me. Currently I just hide inside and wear easy care loungewear.

COLLECT SUNBLOCK

I also have limited time to test out lots of sunblock because I am the new poster lady for

“Fifty Shades of White”. I am an honorary vampire. I’m transparent but with sun spots.

With my delicate, slightly crepe like skin, I need a variety of sunblock choices:

*a special non-greasy, non- whitening for the delicate face area,

*a 1025 SPF waterproof for water time,

*a tinted moisturizer for a beautiful no makeup look when sipping cocktails and

*a coconut scented one because after all it is Hawaii.

It is a well known family fact that I cannot go to any tropical zone without a super big hat, dark as night sunglasses and lots of sunblock to go with my new Burkini. Perhaps some nude tinted SPF evening gloves would be a nice fashion accessory. I’ll think on it.

Sun block is especially important since I recently subjected myself to two dual-fraxel laser treatments to help with my sun damage issues. Not only was that a pricey adventure, but it hurt like some unmeasurable nuclear degree of sunburn. I had to impose voluntary lockdown for a week because in LA we don’t need masks now. Since I do not own a wide brimmed hat with a black veil on it to be able to go out and not scare small children, staying in was my best option. Next time I will schedule such a procedure at Halloween when a scary face is considered a costume freebie.

The point is, I dare not undo any benefits I might have gained from such procedures.

That is why getting lots of sunblock and running from shade spot to shade spot is my new happy place.

There it is. A fast and furious 6 weeks of prepping for six nights in Paradise Palms.

Gym, Beachwear, Sunblock.

Oh yeah, maybe a wax. We still do that, right?

Wish me luck.

In case you are curious....

Photos of any white person style tribal dancing by tiki torches will only be posted on Instagram if preceded by significantly large amount of rum drinks.

For some of your future entertainment needs.

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Photo credits: Peter Thomas, Igor Rand, Lilartsy, Farhad Ibrahim & Nate Johnston