I Say ……Punishment Undies

They say shapewear.

We have all heard about the wonders of magic undies. Many of us have seen the before and after photos, where some 25 years old waif with a slight bit of muffin top, magically turns into a svelte Red Carpet celeb in a clingy sheer party gown. Some of us have even gone into the frontier of foundation garment exploration ourselves, perhaps in desperation, and brought a few of these beauties home.

It happens when you are least prepared. There comes a wedding, a bar mitzvah, or a company awards dinner that you must attend. Unfortunately, those Krispy Kremes you had this month, caught up with you. You shake your head, because life is unfair and harsh. You realize that now you are out of time and out of dress options. You concede that you must bring in the big guns to cover your out of shape buns.

Luckily, ladies, we have lots of options to choose from. We have thong coverage, full cheek coverage, tummy and back fat coverage. We have with your own bra or without a bra at all coverage. There are half or full slip, bike short, boy short and full old lady brief coverage options. Additionally, we have full or ankle legging, camisole or tanks, and the most complete of all, ‘full body” coverage. The “full body” version covers us tightly and evenly from shoulder to ankle, and if in the color black, is very much like a sensory deprivation suit, or so I hear.

We can get our shapewear garments in light, medium or high compression fabric.

The compression can be placed all over or in specific areas, like the menopausal mid-drift zone. There is also the heavy artillery version that comes with “full on” diving suit compression. Items are often made of a slightly shiny spandex infused fabric which can be adorned with some lace, and in no stretch of anyone’s imagination, will the addition of lace make it even slightly sexy. Even Christie Brinkley is challenged when wearing shapewear to pull these items off as a model matron siren. These pieces are about as sexy as 100% white cotton granny panties that come in 3 packs, when worn with a nude full coverage tee shirt bra. I know, some guys actually think these are sexy but there is no need to talk about them.

They scare me.

The real issue is……..

Do these high-performance seal skin like pieces do the job?

Do they suck it all in and put it where it is supposed to be?

Do they make us a youthful firmer version of our former glorious selves?

If you ask some fashionistas and celeb stylists, they suggest that these items of shapewear are absolute essentials for all events. They keep them on hand for all their clients along with top stick tape, moleskin, bra cutlets and safety pins. These ladies are avid proponents of the shapewear, but I beg to differ.

I have walked the walk and I can talk the talk, as have some of my gal pals. I have tried more than once, so I can tell the stories.

First of all, let’s get real. Most of these buggers are hard as hell, to put on. You pretty much need to grease yourself up with a high viscosity lotion, to get into anything other than the thong version. Now that I have mentioned the shapewear thong, I just wonder if anyone else has thought about this. Exactly how much is a thong version really going to help anyway? Even if there is some level of suck in your midlife, I had kids, abdomen, you still have full jiggly possibly, square buttocks hanging out the back side.

Yeah, that’s exactly what I want seen from behind in my slightly fitted, on trend, fall season, jersey midi dress. Frankly, there isn’t enough floral in any floral pattern to distract from that issue.

My experience has been, when squeezing into the high rise full bike short version, it is a real work out. Do not do your hair or make up before attempting to get into these shapewear prizes. A reasonable amount of sweating and extremely bizarre dancing will go on in order to wriggle into this garment. Yes, I know you are curious, but there are no videos of me doing this. U-tube can’t handle it.

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When putting on this type of shapewear, special practices are advised. It is recommended that we pull them up from the bottom, which means we have to get this compression garment hoisted over our friendly thighs and then over butt cheek mountains. We need to aggressively stretch and pull, inch by inch, all the way up until we reach just under our bra band. You also need to know that the laws of gravity and object displacement apply. In other words, our less than taut bodies respond just like a sausage, when you tighten it up in one place, stuff just puffs out somewhere else. I had to tuck the top of my shapewear under my bra, to help even things out. By the time I was done, I looked like I was wearing a really tight bathing suit from the 1920’s. The men’s version. I think you get the idea.

Also, a word to the wise. Make absolutely certain that the shapewear, if more than a brief, has a special opening in the crotch, which is not the same as crotch-less, guys. You will thank me when nature calls. If not, all that fun you had getting it on…you will be doing it again, but this time not in the privacy of your own home. Good times for all.

Once I finally got into my chosen piece of shapewear, I acknowledge that it did help.

Not in a miracle kind of way. More like in a smooth the lumpiness, kind of way.

Maybe a five pounds slimmer, kind of way.

BTW, my BFF’s, if you have a garment with heavy compression, be mindful. It can cut off your breathing. Let’s hope you have no need to bend over. When doing so, there comes a risk of fainting, like the elite ladies in the 1800’s when wearing those extra tight lace up corsets. However, modernly, people will just think you drank too much.

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I know shapewear has been touted as a boon for women by helping them look sleeker, slimmer, fitter, and perhaps more youthful, so I am not trying to be difficult. I realize some women swear by these lovelies as the only cure for back fat. Perhaps they are right. Every woman should try for herself and make her own personal assessment. I hear that SPANX is a very well-known “go to” brand. There are many others for you all to explore.

However, as my weight training gal pal has encouraged me, I am just going to call it the way I see it and how I have felt it….

Shapewear may perform on a variety of levels, but in my opinion…….

Punishment Undies!